the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
