last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
