My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
porn star boner night. come get it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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