Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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