please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
