Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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