i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
