i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
