i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he thought i was a dude.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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