i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
