I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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