Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
