You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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