You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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