oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
