she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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