either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
