I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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