We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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