I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
