my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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