Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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