oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
