My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
