I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it's great music for shaving your balls
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
