well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
