I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
