marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
