i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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