I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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