yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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