So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
