I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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