Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
