Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
