Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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