I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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