i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
