I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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