I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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