They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
