happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
