Barsexuality is the new black.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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