I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
