First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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