why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
