You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
