Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
