please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
