I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
