I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Found the puke drawer
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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